No one can say that they have a lot of experience in marriage, everyone has their own feelings, warm and cold know. For example, some people like to be abused, not abused, but also feel that the other side is not a man. Some people like to submit, because she has no opinion at all, you let her make a decision, may have killed her own life. So what we’re going to talk about next, you don’t have to take it too seriously, because no matter how well I say it, it doesn’t necessarily fit into your unique marriage sample.
I think people face two important issues in their life: how to live? With who?
How to live requires self-reflection, including three small questions: first, how to live in the past. This sentence is very awkward, is the road that ego cognition walks through. Second, how to live now, now you are satisfied with life, why satisfied or not satisfied. The third little question is what to do next. Set a direction to have a dream, although in my experience, life is basically luck. But the advantage of having a direction is, you do not always ask this question, and life is not always confused, will not be easily defeated by reality, because you have a head out of their own masturbation, not rough, that is the truth.
The second big question in life is who to live with. This problem is not just to think about it, but also to make judgments based on the other side. Judging from the recent WeChat messages, they account for more than 80% of the problems, such as what about the other half who cheated on him or herself? What if the person you love doesn’t love you? What if you have kids and want a divorce? Does a long-distance relationship have to be abandoned by one party? These questions dazzled me, and they were:
Happy marriages are more or less the same, but unhappy marriages have their own joys.
As an experienced person, I act as a psychiatrist, offering you a few ideas.
01. Marriage is not a medicine.
Love problems should not be solved by marriage.
In fact, many people in the marriage, it is obvious that both parties are not appropriate, they naively think that marriage is good, marriage is really not the right prescription? Of course not. Marriage is the result of two people.
If there are problems in love, you must not think that marriage can solve them. If you don’t feel comfortable in a relationship, you’ll feel even more uncomfortable after marriage. Why? Because marriage magnifies the pain, such as washing dishes, cooking, cleaning the room, these trifling things can magnify the conflict between two people.
Any marriage that fits the bill will eventually turn into a remorseful future. If you can’t find your beauty in a relationship, marriage will be a nightmare for Warcraft.
Another silly idea is that if marriage doesn’t work out, then have a child to deal with it. Well, why step into the same mistake twice? Solve one mistake with another.
02. Blank lovers.
No one is perfect.
Marriage? what’s right? what’s wrong? There’s no perfect match in the world. Yeah, so it should be the right thing, not the perfect one.
There is no way in the world to prepare a person for you to match in all directions. Fit, and shine with all the qualities you look forward to. Dream. I do believe that the world is ready for you a blank man, waiting for you to decorate, as long as the basic look in line with expectations, temperament generally like, living habits generally do not conflict. The next test of your ability to turn decay into magic, always want to change houses most people do not have this capital ah.
Well, the problem is, this blank lover, at least must have a load-bearing wall, right? Er ~ I think three load-bearing walls are very important:
One is values, don’t talk about the world outlook on life, too big too far to live with this. Values are the key to getting along with each other day and night, that is, the basic moral judgment of things. For example, one likes to do harm to others, another likes to be selfless. Come together and think about how terrible it will be.
Two is the feeling of making love, a sex hunger and thirst a frigidity is very difficult to deal with. There are always people who try to separate love from sex. It’s not necessary. Sex is a part of love. Two people love deep down and naturally want to be attached to each other. Have seen a lot of marriage problem, it is the contradiction that sex extends to come out, as the saying goes, one shot indelible grudge.
Third, the habits of life, a messy beauty, a clean emperor is very troublesome. Or it really beats love in detail.
Some people say, well, I didn’t know these things before I got married. Didn’t Old Mr. Qian Zhongshu come up with a solution long ago? On a premarital trip.
Travel before marriage is essential. It involves empathy with each other’s human geography, attitudes toward people, tolerance for differences, the concept of consumer spending, and whether or not beauty resonates when it comes to each other. It involves the patience to take care of each other after a long journey. At the end of the trip, decide whether to marry this person or not.
But be careful not to get pregnant while traveling.
03. Divorce or no divorce.
Don’t use your child as an excuse.
The first two problems are early prevention. Some people say that when I get married, I find it inappropriate. What should I do? after all, we have a child.
Well, the baby’s innocent, okay? Don’t always let your child be your excuse and excuse.
I don’t think it’s good to stay married for a long time, and I don’t laugh at couples who divorce peacefully. On the contrary, sometimes I admire their courage. I had a friend who moved from Beijing to Shanghai with her husband in two hours from deciding to divorce and finishing the formalities. When I asked her what she thought, she said, “it’s better to have a single parent family than to fight every day.” And love is gone, why do I have to endure like this for the rest of my life?
And I find it interesting that a man often says he wants a divorce and procrastinates for years without actually taking action. On the contrary, some women want to decide to divorce, really cut the Gordian knot. Possibly, the man is afraid to divide the property, also may be the woman really is the love creature, did not love, really cannot make do with.
I also have a friend who left the company where he worked for ten years and ended five years of marriage. He went to Beijing alone from the south with his three-year-old child, renting a house, looking for a kindergarten, looking for a job, and working hard again. I asked her: what made you make such a courageous decision? There are a lot of things in life that are too short to try, she said. If I don’t try one, I’m going to regret it. I asked: not tired? She says: she is willing not tired, although busier than before, but especially substantial. I was instantly inspired by her.
04. Just get used to it.
It’s all your choice.
Some people say, you say simple, but I have heard a lot of truth, still can not get divorced ah.
This is also a kind of attitude to life, long ago I wrote such an article, called “the choice in life”, you can find out if you are interested, life is your choice, and then responsible for it. Some people think that although I want to divorce very much, but I just do not divorce, do not divorce.
Well, then, that’s not what the law says. I have seen a lot of couples, fight and bustle all my life, and finally lead a good life, this is also a kind of attitude towards life. Or I said the second point, the underlying structure is not a problem, to make do with it is also very good. Like me, right now.
I don’t think that after ten years of marriage, every day will be romantic and full of surprises. More: get used to it. Because I’m used to it, I’m able to accept the differences that don’t matter to me.
05. The key to maintaining a marriage.
Make a little romance.
So how can a marriage be sustained? My own experience is that there is nothing to create more happiness, suffering not only to have sex, but also to have fun. Create a little spice for marriage. For example:
My wife is a very romantic person, one day in the middle of the night suddenly woke me up and said: husband, you see, outside a lot of beautiful stars. No sooner had I stood by the window than she said, you look at my stars for me, and I’ll go to sleep first. Not to mention the most undulating of them, I went to bed seven days in a row until midnight and kicked me and said, “go and see if my stars are still there.” It was not until I bought her a necklace, fortunately, that my days came to an end.
My wife is not only romantic, but also gives me a lot of choice.
One night when my wife said she wanted to share the housework, she asked me, “which do you prefer to do the dishes and mop the floor?” I said do the dishes. After washing the dishes, my wife asked again, “which do you choose to wash the children or mop the floor?” I said mop the floor. After dragging the wife asked: washing clothes or washing children which do you choose? I said wash the kids. After washing the child’s wife asked me: wash clothes to take the child to sleep which do you choose? I said laundry. After washing clothes to see wife and child asleep, I suddenly feel as if something is wrong. ..
Little happiness, little fun, little surprise, is the secret to keeping your marriage fresh. Why bother? Because to spend a lifetime, ah, to please each other, that is, not with their own difficulties ah. How nice of that to say, well, I said it.
06. Match temper is the key.
Looks like clouds.
Last but not least, someone always asks me whether I want to marry a good-looking man or someone with a similar temper.
If I choose to marry someone who looks like me and has the same temper, I would definitely choose someone with the same temper, because a lifetime is too long, looks quickly become unreliable, and it is too important to have the same temper.
Otherwise in melancholy concomitant life, will break life.